Party time! Excellent!
by four-nostril
Summary: In the boring early morning, Uhura recieves a signal. It's a call from home for Lily-Lee. Is it a reason to celebrate? Watch out for serious M-rating in chapters 4 and 5. McCoy is good with his hands. Het.
1. Chapter 1 - phone home

**Authors note: Yeah, so it's Lily-Lee again, hogging the spotlight. If you don't know Lily-Lee, you can picture her as an Australopithecus with a good brain and a four-nostriled sense of chemical analysis. If you need more details, check out "The four-nostriled creature" (M-rated). Art by KalleJ, go ahead and tell him what you think.  
**

–***–

Chapter 1 - Phone Home

Uhura was working the early shift on the bridge when a signal reached the ship. She answered at once. Not much else was happening right now.

"This is the Enterprise, come in please." The signal wavered a bit but there were voices in it. Was it a distress call?

"What is it?" Sulu looked up from the helm.

"I'm putting it on the screen now. I'll have the origin position in a few seconds." The screen flickered and suddenly showed a clear image. A hairy, dark-and-white-striped face sitting very close to the camera and many others around it, trying to push closer.

"Hello? Is this thing working? How do I... quit pushing!"

"Sulu, will you go and fetch Lily-Lee? She's got a call from home."

Gossip spreads quickly on a ship. Before Sulu had gotten Lily-Lee out of bed and up on the bridge, many others had also come to watch. Kirk still had his breakfast coffee mug with him. The screen now showed two dozen small women huddling close together. There were children running about and one large male far away in the background, patrolling up and down.

"Lililelola, is that you? Wearing clothes, that is so new!"

"Aunt Sosusossosi, I'm so glad to hear from you. Why didn't you use the machine before now? We thought it stopped working."

"Well, we migrated, and nobody was going to carry that thing, it's heavy. But we have good news for you, you're a grandmother!"

"Oh no, a premature? Emomoma is not due yet. No wait, I can see her over there with her sister and she's still got the belly on her."

"Much bigger news. Like I said, we migrated, right? And we went northeast this time, pretty far, and we came across this other flock that was migrating southeast, so we sat down for a chat and they had come pretty far too, and on the way they had passed that big, rich territory you've heard about, the one with the creek going from the lake to the sea? With the Kika bird colony? They wanted to see if it was free because obviously, right? But it wasn't, and you can never guess what!"

"What?"

"Your oldest son has it! He's gotten his own territory and it's a big one, and he got his first brood out, and the oldest is already half a year and the youngest was just newborn when the others passed, and there are probably one or two more coming. How about that for news, huh?"

"I can't believe it... how many were there?" Lily-Lee was stunned.

"Ten! By eight mothers."

"I can't believe it... I think I'm going to cry... my little boy is all grown up." Tears started welling up in her eyes and ran down her cheeks.

"We just HAD to come back and tell you, well not straight away obviously, it's a long walk and we actually don't want to stay in this territory even though it has the machine in it, and we're going to have to tell the poor guy that we're leaving again right away and he's going to get the worst case of blue balls anybody has ever SEEN!"

A loud yell from the male in the background made everyone on the screen look over their shoulders.

"Eater alarm. See you someday!" The crew on the Enterprise could see the crowd dispersing in all directions, picking up children and infants as they ran. For a while the screen showed a grassy field only, and they heard a growl. The tip of a tail passed in front of the camera, and Lily-Lee shuddered. A paw, a crash, and a black screen.

"No more signal. Sorry." Uhura looked at Lily-Lee with concern. "Are they going to be all right?"

"Oh, sure. It wouldn't swipe at the camera like that if the flock wasn't already far away. My boy... with his first brood. He was my first to survive to adult, and I've not heard from him since he went away. I'm so happy I don't know what to do!" Her whole face was wet with tears and McCoy handed her a tissue. When the wet tissue crumbled in her face hairs he produced an old-fashioned handkerchief from a pocket.

"Well, I know what you should do. You should celebrate!"

"Yes... yes, I suppose so... here's your handkerchief back. But how?"

"In my experience, any human celebration will involve consuming unhealthy amounts of ethanol."

"Damn straight, Spock. So how about we throw a party for the first grandchildren of the Enterprise?"


	2. Chapter 2 - party time

Chapter 2 - Party Time!

McCoy and Scott

"No, no and no! Leonard, I'm not giving you any of my whiskey. First of all it's much to good to be mixed with anything, and I know you're going to play bartender again. Second reason is that no one in the crew will notice that it's the real thing, and that's a waste. Third reason is that I don't want to contribute anything to throw a party for that malicious monkey minx!

"Calm down, Scotty. What did she ever do to you?"

"She embarrassed me in front of my pergium unit!"

"Well, nobody likes to lose face in front of their men. I didn't know you had a group called the pergium unit. Who are they?"

"No, the actual unit, containing the pergium sheets."

"Scotty, really." McCoy looked at Scott with reproach. "Are you going to hold a grudge over that?"

"Aye, I will!"

"Scotty..."

"All right, maybe I'll let bygones by bygones. But AFTER the party, not before. That way I'm still not giving you any of my whiskey."

–***–

Rand and Uhura

"Nyota, what sort of decorations is right for a celebration of grandchildren?"

"I don't know any more than you do, honey. I suppose we could do it like a baby shower. It doesn't really matter, we only have generic decorations anyway."

"In that case I'm putting up ten white balloons in the middle of the ceiling to symbolise the babies."

–***–

Chapel and Lily-Lee

"So that's a "cake", huh. Can you humans really metabolize that starchy sweet thing?"

"Lily-Lee, surely you have noticed by now that humans eat lots of things that are both good and bad for them?"

"And now you're mixing sucrose with erythrosine and water?"

"We call it pink icing."

"I suppose it's okay if I put some of my favorite festive food on the buffet?"

"Yeees, sure. But no living animals!"

"Oysters?"

"Okay, point taken. Just nothing that will run away or make noises."

–***–

Kirk and Spock

Kirk was in his quarters, showering and shaving. He sprayed too much shaving cream in his hand but found a use for it. No point in wasting it as long as there were places to shave. He had put his tightest black pants on and was choosing a shirt when Spock came in.

"I have here the list of the officers that have to be on duty during the party." Kirk took the padd from Spock's outstretched hand and read it.

"Pretty short list."

"Yes, captain."

"In fact, it's just you."

"Yes, captain."

"Don't you want to go to the party?"

"Since the crew is in need of a diversion, it is desirable that as many as possible should attend and it is therefore logical that I should be the one remaining on duty, since I am qualified to attend all stations."

"Hm. Well, I'll approve the list on the condition that you come down at least once."

"Yes, captain."

–***–


	3. Chapter 3 - looking at butts

Chapter 3 - Looking at Butts

Mood lighting, soft music, everybody dressed up and happy to relax. Decorations, buffet with cake, McCoy standing behind the bar. Since the objects of the celebration were ten unseen babies far away on a different planet, nobody had to be the centre of attention. Lily-Lee walked up to the bar and jumped up to sit on it.

"Lovely evening, doc. You're busy already."

"I sure am, this is everybody's first stop. What can I get you?"

"I'm thinking about celebrations back home. Can you make me a drink that tastes like berries that have gone bad? Gone so bad that they're very, very good?"

"Anything for you, little lady. How about cranberry juice, vodka and a large dollop of mashed plums. Mix in a small glass, enthraxic citrus peel on the edge, best eaten with a spoon. Try it!"

The room was crowded with people standing and sitting. Captain Kirk was sitting in a low armchair with the hairy little creature on the wide armrest.

"I'm not saying that clothes are a bad idea. I love all new ideas! I'm just saying that it stops you humans from honing your talent for recognition. I read in an article that an earth chimpanzee can recognise any member of the flock by just the butt."

"What, don't you think I could do that?"

"I don't think you could even tell the female officers butts apart."

"Of course I could."

"No, you couldn't."

"Are you questioning my qualifications as a captain? I say I can!"

"Bet you can't."

"Bet I can!"

Chekov had been listening to this highly interesting debate, and came to the natural conclusion that it was time to share it with the rest of the room. He stood up and shouted at the top of his voice.

"WE HAVE A WAGER!"

Everybody was cheerfully cooperative. All preparations ran as smoothly as if they had been a part of basic training. The retractable divider wall in the next room closed both down from the ceiling and up from the floor, so it was a simple matter to press the stop-button at the right moment to leave a wide slit in the middle. More than ten ladies volunteered, and the light was changed to green to obscure any skin tone differences. Because yes - of course the butts were nude. It hadn't been a part of the wager, but somehow everybody just assumed they should be.

Spock was on the bridge. He noticed that nothing required attention at the moment and decided to fulfil his promise to the captain as soon as possible. To delay it meant to risk having to break a promise if he were to be too busy to leave the bridge later. When he came down to the rec room, it was empty except for McCoy, who was attempting something complicated involving open fire at the bar.

"Good to see you, Spock! Do you want to try some of this? Of course you will not, you're on duty, but I thought I'd ask anyway."

"Good evening, doctor. The decorations look very festive, especially the aquarium over on the buffet table. Where are the guests?"

"In the next room, settling a wager."

"Why are you not attending?"

"I've seen it all before. But you go ahead."

The next room was filled with green light and laughter. Lily-Lee was chiding captain Kirk.

"That's only a 60% score, captain. Told you so!"

"Spock! Your sense of timing is impeccable as always. Help me out here!"

"Help you in what way, captain?"

"Tell me who these butts belong to."

"Certainly. From left to right; Yeoman Teresa Ross, Lieutenant Angela Martine, Yeoman Tonia Barrows, Lieutenant Carolyn Palamas, Ensign Jana Haines, Yeoman Mears, Lieutenant Palmer, Lieutenant Rahda, Doctor Ann Mulhall, Lieutenant Areel Shaw, and Yeoman Doris Atkins.

"And we have a WINNER! Lily-Lee blew paper serpentine ringlets over Spock and the onlookers applauded and cheered.

"What was the purpose of this highly unusual contest?"

"To see who could recognise butts as well as a chimpanzee can. And you won!"

"I see. If you'll excuse me, I will now return to the bridge."

The crowd returned to the rec room, Lily-Lee being carried on Kirks shoulders as the reward for winning the bet. She had to duck as they passed through the doors.

"I won, I won, I told you you couldn't. Put me down on the bar so I can have another plum sludge."

"A plum sludge for the lady and a gin and tonic for me, Bones." Kirk smoothed down his hair and accepted McCoy's own invention instead of a G&T. "Well, I don't think you would have done better."

"Maybe not, but I'm new here."

"I don't think the other women could do it either."

"I bet they could."

"I bet they can't!"

"WE HAVE ANOTHER WAGER!"

"Jesus, Chekov, you'll make me spill my drink."


	4. Chapter 4 - nobody under the table

Chapter 4 - Nobody Under the Table

Spock was back on the bridge, where everything was as quiet as when he left it. He looked up personal records on the ships computer. Search body measurements, hip circumference in centimetres, sorted by crewmember in alphabetical order. All numbers had been correct except Doris Atkins, which was off by nine millimetres. He corrected the number and closed the file. Nothing else required attention.

Downstairs, nobody wanted to see any more butts. After all, there are more interesting parts to look at. A long table was covered with a large tablecloth that reached the floor, and eight chairs were placed behind it. Three unknown female judges were hiding under the table. After much hesitation and persuasion seven men were ready to take their seats. There was room for one more.

"Riley, take over the bar for me. I want to be in on this game."

"Will do, doc. You can trust it's in good hands."

Nurse Chapel was keeping score. "This way, nobody can say that I was ogling them under the table. I have my professional reputation to think of, and I'll keep my eyes up here at all times. If you are ready, then take your seats, boys, and pull down your pants to your knees."

"There's the captain!"

"Number two is Kirk."

"Number two, that's the captain, no doubt about it."

Kirk raised his hands in feigned frustration accompanied by the laughter from the audience.

"How the hell did you all know that in a second? I'm not a flasher nor a sleepwalker!"

"The grooming."

"Shaved not more than a hour ago, I would say."

"And that is SO you."

"Number one is doctor McCoy, cause there's a few grey hairs there."

"Hrm. Well thank you anonymous judge for pointing that out. Nice to be recognised."

"Number five must be Sulu, look at those muscular hairless thighs."

"Bailey must be number three, because he's the blondest."

"Still four to go. It's getting harder and harder."

"The guessing or the something else?" More laughter. Every partygoer was now drunk enough to laugh even at a simple that's-what-she-said. The guessing was getting more and more random.

"Chekov is number eight."

"WRONG!"

"Farrell is number eight."

"WRONG AGAIN!"

"All right, then Hadley is number eight because there is no other option."

"Right but not very impressive."

"Farrell is number four."

"WRONG!"

"Okay, than Farrell is number seven and Scott is number four."

"Finally somebody remembers me. Not very flattering to be the last one mentioned."

"You should've worn your kilt."

Kirk was enjoying himself. He had won the bet, and it wasn't often a captain got the chance to sit with the goods out in the open, even if it was under a tablecloth. He had always been a bit of an exhibitionist, but tried to keep it to taking just his shirt off whenever he got the chance. This time there had been women watching. Just thinking about that made him hard. _Oh yes, and they are watching this too, I know they are. _He flexed his pelvic muscles a bit to jerk his erection up and down, and heard giggles from under the table. _So they liked that, did they? Watching closely, watching me... god yes. But who are they? They disguise their voices so I can't tell. I wish I knew, so I could use it in a private session later. And I wish they would touch me... come on, touch the little guy, look how he's waving at you! _More giggles. Kirk felt bold enough to make a suggestion.

"Before we break up the game, I think we should be given the chance to guess who our three anonymous judges are. Will you give us a clue under the table?"

"Nggghh!"

"What's that, Bones?"

"Nothing... you go ahead... and guess." McCoy was suddenly sitting upright and holding on tight to the table's edge.

"Okay, may I have a clue please? Mmm yes, those hair bangs, it has to be Janice." Janice came out from under the table and the onlookers applauded. _Damn, she only touched the thighs. With her hair, which means she was just inches away, on the other hand. That's something._

"Your turn to guess, Bailey."

"Sorry captain, there is no lady where I sit."

"But I have one over here!"

"Okay, Scotty, who is it?"

"Someone with soft hands, I can tell you that. Soft hands and... long nails. I'm guessing it's Nyota." And so it was Uhura's turn to come out and be greeted.

"Hey, Sulu is not in his seat! Where did he go?"

Chekov was red in the face and raised his hand to speak. "I think I can answer that... and make my guess at the same time."

"I don't know if that counts. Farrell, any guess? No? Hadley? No? Bad luck for you. Bones?"

"Nggghh!"

"Bones, do you have a guess?"

"Please... Jim...don't... just say the game is over."

"No, no. The audience demands an answer." Kirk gripped the tablecloth with both hands. "Ladies and gentlemen, the last judge is..." He tore the cloth away and under the table there was nothing.

"...nobody! So you're just drunk, right Bones? Trying hard to sit up straight? That's all, folks. Game over. Move the furniture! Dance music!"

The contestants pulled up their pants and the rec room was transformed to a dance hall with blinking lights and loud music. McCoy slipped out into the corridor. He was going to use the bathroom and be alone for a moment. For a moment, he was alone, but then he heard a knock on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Nobody."


	5. Chapter 5 - wrapped around my finger

Chapter 5 - Wrapped Around My Finger

McCoy opened the bathroom door and found Lily-Lee outside. "How did you disappear like that?"

"Don't you think a prey species knows how to hide?"

"Yes, but how?"

"I scurried away to the other end when we were so rudely interrupted. Nobody looked in that direction."

"Were you supposed to be one of the judges?"

"Not really, but it didn't seem like anyone was concentrating on any rules. Why did you suddenly leave the bar and join in the game?"

"Hrm. I guess... I was hoping you'd be there."

"And now I'm here. So, in a bathroom?"

"What? NO! No, come with me, I'll find something else." McCoy was hurrying, trembling, eager as only a man who has been interrupted can be. He opened the first door to the right of the bathroom and found a small conference room, dark and deserted_. Sure, that'll do. Any port in a storm. _He pulled in Lily-Lee after him and locked the door. He sat down in the blue swivel chair, unbuckled his belt and pulled down his trousers with some difficulty. The anticipation had already gotten him hard as wood.

"Here, go ahead!" He looked up and saw Lily-Lee standing over by the door with a smirk on her face.

"Well, uh, I mean if you want to, I thought you would..."

"I do want to. Just savouring the moment a bit." She came up to him slowly and kneeled between his legs.

_Damn, I almost thought she had changed her mind. That's probably just what she wanted me to think. Her kind likes to keep the males on their toes. Never mind, I'm not too proud to beg, not for something as good as this... oh yes... yes go for it... take the balls, come onnnn... oh yes just like that. _

_If anyone interrupts us this time I'm going to commit murder..._

_I'll take you to see the stars, if you'll take me over the edge..._

_I'm going to come so hard..._

_Yes...I am..._

A minute afterwards, Lily-Lee stood up and took two steps towards the door. McCoy leaned forward and caught her by the hem of her uniform dress. "Now don't run away from me again. Come here!"

Lily-Lee stood still as far away as the stretched dress would allow her, with a hesitant look on her face.

"You warned me about getting intimate with human males. Especially males with alcohol-impaired judgement. I'm too small for it."

"I won't harm you, I promise, it's all right. Come and sit on my lap, relax. You can lean your back against my chest and get comfortable. How is that?" _Comfort is important to her, I need to remember that._

"Mmmm."

"Do you want to kick off those regulation boots? No? Let me admire that skin pattern on your thighs, I'll just pull up the dress a bit so I can see... and feel... and trace it with my fingers... annnnd you're getting goose bumps."

"Ohhhh."

"I suggest we get rid of the dress altogether, let me help you with that... there! Didn't they issue you any underwear? They did? Well, I'm not complaining, no, no." _Hell no, not complaining one bit!_

McCoy put his long arms around her body and pulled her close to his chest and just held her tight, resting his chin on her head. She had a slight sagittal crest along the middle of the skull. Her breasts were small, hairy, and soft and he cupped them in his hands. They had pigment patterns, too, so he started tracing the lines with his fingers.

"Mm-mm-mm!"

"You are usually talkative, why not now? You have to tell me what you like, because I can't be sure." _And because I want to hear you say it, ask for it, beg me for it... please say it."_

"It's hard to think in a foreign language when I am excited. Besides, I should warn you than I may get loud."

"You don't have to keep it quiet, scream if you feel like it. It's your party, you can cry if you want to."

"You would cry too if it happened to you."

"Spread your legs and let me touch you, hmm? Your thighs are trembling, try to relax... yes... oh, they relax when I stroke them? Your belly is so soft, and down here is even softer." He cupped her pussy with his right hand and she pressed hard against it. The hair was short and straight. McCoy stroked with his whole hand back and forth and slowly, gradually, got his middle finger in between her labia.

"Nggghh!"

"Sounds familiar. I think I said that a little while ago." _Nothing strange or alien here, this is genuine hot wet pussy if I ever felt one. Goddamn she's wet, it's trickling down on my trousers. But who cares?_

Lily-Lee had raised her arms over her head and back over McCoy's neck. He began circling her clit with his fingertip slowly. She arched backwards and lifted herself up from his lap for a moment, and he jumped at the opportunity and put his left hand in under her butt. _Perfect! Just the place for me to give it to you good, little lady. Circling, circling with one finger in the front..._

"Mmmm."

_... and one finger going in, in... the middle...right there..._

"mmm... Oh!"

_... and one finger... in the back..._

"OH OH!"

_... might as well make that two fingers in the middle..._

"OH YES DOC PLEASE DON'T STOP!"

_I don't intend to stop for a long time yet, oh no. I want to hear you screaming my name, and..._

"Please call me Leonard."

"What, you're dropping titles NOW? Can't it wait?"

"No, it has to be now. Hearing you scream "doc" is not the same thing."

"Oh, anything... I'll call you anything you want... just don't stop moving...oh."

"Come on and say it then, come on. Say it."

"Leonard."

"Yes?" _Oh god damn it, yes!_

"Leonard, please don't stop."

"I'm not stopping."

"Please let me come, I need it, oh please."

"And I'm going to make it happen."

"OH OH OH" Her moans turned into a long, high-pitched scream that gave McCoy a ringing sound in his ears that didn't go away until next morning.


	6. Chapter 6 - Empty Aquarium (end)

Chapter 6 - Empty Aquarium

Spock had decided to come down to the party one more time. After all, the captain had said "at least once" which indicated that twice was desirable, if not necessary. When he entered the rec room it was empty, just like it had been last time he came down. He tried the adjoining room, but that was likewise deserted. He had delayed too long in coming down. At least, he should make sure that the aquarium was moved to a more suitable place. Spock walked over to the now finished and messy buffet table, but the aquarium, which he was sure had contained golden mottled shrimp and baby moon jellyfish, was now inexplicably empty. Since the aquarium was empty, it didn't need to be moved, so Spock remained standing, trying to decide what to do next.

"I'll take you home again, Kathleen, across the ocean wild and wide, to where your heart has ever beeeen, since wheneveeeeeeeer." There was someone singing from behind the bar. Spock went over and found lieutenant Riley on the floor.

"Are you all right, lieutenant?"

"Right and left, all right and just me left. No, I'm not. I'm lonely and deserted, and I could not leave because I promised I'd watch the bar."

"The party appears to be over, I believe you can now return to your quarters."

"Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would, tralalala... But I can't. I know my drunk, I've been drunk before and this is definitely can't-stand-on-my-feet-drunk."

"I'll give you assistance."

Spock was supporting Riley with his arm and shoulder as they walked slowly along the corridor. Around the corner from the other end came McCoy, carrying Lily-Lee.

"Good evening doctor. The party is over, I gather. I see you are escorting our new crewmember to her quarters. I am doing lieutenant Riley the same service."

"Well, uh, actually I'm taking her to my own quarters. And speak up a bit, will you?"

"Is she is so intoxicated that she requires monitoring during the night?"

"Um, yes? Yes, that sounds credible, right?" Lily-Lee made a snorting, giggling sound against McCoy's shoulder. "Well, see you in the morning, Spock. Thanks for watching the bridge!"

After lieutenant Riley had been deposited in his bunk, Spock decided to see the captain and show his intention of coming down to the party twice. On the way there he met a small group of female officers in their nightgowns, led by Uhura.

"Hey, there's Spock. Shhh, everybody, shhh. Hey Spock, we're going to raid what's left of the bar if we can get past Riley. And get the cake. Don't tell anyone."

"Lieutenant Riley is in his quarters but you will find that there is no cake left."

"We'll have to settle for booze, then. All right girls, onward!"

When Spock reached Kirk's door he paused for a moment. The doors were soundproof, but only by human standards, and Spock heard Kirk talking inside. Did he already have a visitor? But it was only the captain's voice, and it was very low. Spock could only pick up a few words; _look at the little guy... sure, both... Janice, let Nyota get some too. _Well, since he had just met lieutenant Uhura in the corridor, it would seem that the captain was just talking to himself. Spock decided not to disturb him, but did not go away just yet. He lingered, and listened. He heard steps in the corridor and raised his hand to look as if he were about to knock, but when the person was out of sight he took his hand down again, and listened. Not until the captain was quiet and most likely asleep did Spock go and sign off from his shift.

–***–

Epilogue

"Hey, Lily-Lee!"

"Can't talk, sleeping."

"I just realised something. Did you ride on Kirks shoulders without any underwear?"

–***–

**AUTHORS NOTE: That's THE END for this story. How did you like the picture? Give the drawing artist some con-crit.**


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